


Please

by butterflyslinky



Category: Atop the Fourth Wall, The Spoony Experiment
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 12:36:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1550720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflyslinky/pseuds/butterflyslinky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoony's depression gets really bad, and he relies on Linkara to help him through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the TGWTG 2013 Reverse Mini Bang challenge, based on a mix by lady_sci_fi.

_Fading_

it’s dark, it’s always dark, it’s always been dark and it won’t go away and why is it always so dark and why am i here and what’s the point of me and

_spoony?_

no, don’t talk to me, i don’t deserve it, i just want to sleep, i just want to be alone, please don’t talk to me, please don’t tell me anything, i know what you’ll say, i don’t want to hear

_spoony, are you okay?_

no, i’m not okay, i’m not okay at all, i don’t care, go away, don’t talk to me, please don’t talk at all, who’s talking, i don’t know who’s talking to me, i don’t care, it doesn’t matter, you don’t like me, why are you asking

_spoony, talk to me!_

i don’t want to talk, talking means thinking, i don’t want to think, thinking hurts, it all hurts, it’s all pointless, i can’t do it, go away, go away, go away

_please, spoony, tell me what’s wrong._

everything’s wrong, everything’s bad, i don’t want to talk, i don’t want to tell you, i just want to sleep, i just want to be alone, i just want it all to go away, i just want everything to go away

_i can’t help you if you don’t let me._

i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, i don’t deserve you, leave me alone, don’t make me talk, i don’t want to hear it, i don’t want you here, just go away

_spoony…_

it hurts, it hurts so bad, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve it, i don’t matter, you matter, you deserve better, you never liked me anyway so just go and be happy without me

_it’s gonna get better._

no, it won’t, it never will, it won’t be good, it’s all dark and it won’t be better so go away, go away, don’t touch me, don’t pat my shoulder, don’t be gentle, i can’t take gentle

_it’s gonna be okay._

not okay, never okay, it won’t end, if it ends, i won’t be here, if it ends, i won’t have you, don’t say it’s okay, don’t say it will be better, just leave, just leave, just

_spoony…_

i need him gone, i need to be alone, i need to fade out, but he won’t leave, he won’t go away, not if i ignore him, no, don’t love me, don’t want him to love me, i don’t want anyone to love me

_i love you._

don’t say that, don’t make me believe it, don’t make me feel better, it won’t work, i’m still cold, it’s still dark, i can’t take it

_say something. please._

i have to talk, i have to say something, i have to get him out of here, i have to be alone, i can’t take this, i can’t love him, i can’t let him love me

_go away, linkara._

he’s gone, he’s not touching me, he’s leaving, i can be alone, i can sleep, i can fade, i can be alone in the darkness

_i love you so much._

no, no, don’t make me think that, i can’t believe that, i don’t deserve that, go away, go now, leave me alone, i don’t want your warmth your light your love

_please get better._

i can’t.

_Falling_

i want to sleep.

i want to sleep forever.

but first i need light. i need something good. but i can’t have it.

i don’t deserve it.

i don’t even know if he’s still here. if he’s sitting near me, or if he’s in the kitchen, or if he’s gone back to minnesota where he belongs.

i turned him away. i rejected him. i asked to be alone and i meant it. i don’t want him here, i don’t want anyone here. i can’t have anyone love me.

but i need it. i need him.

i have to explain myself. i have to say sorry. i have to tell him why it’s never going to be okay. i need to be punished, or forgiven, or something, i don’t know what.

i need to tell him how it started. he needs to know how it got this bad, with all the stupid trolls and people reminding me how i never get anything done and they’re right and i’m not worth it and i can’t have anyone in my life, it’s a distraction, i don’t deserve it, not at all.

i have to tell him that. i have to make him understand. i have to make him realize i’m shit and he should find someone better.

maybe he could make it all better. maybe. probably not. no one can help. i don’t deserve help.

i should thank him. he did try. he’s always tried to make everything better. he’s always been so good.

and i’ve always been so bad. i never should have let him get so close. i never should have believed it. i never should have let myself love him.

i wanted it. i still want it. and i love him, i love him so much, and i wish that i could keep him.

but i can’t. it’s going to be over as soon as i can be forgiven. as soon as he lets me go.

he has to let me go.

maybe if he understands, if i tell him what’s wrong, he can save me.

he can’t. i can’t. i can’t tell him what’s going on, why i need his forgiveness, what i’ve done wrong. maybe it would be better if i just went away, if i wasn’t here to make everything bad, if he didn’t have me to worry about.

as long as he understands. as long as he forgives me.

he won’t. he never will. he’ll cling tighter and beg me to stay, tell me he loves me, that he’s sorry, that he can help.

he can’t.

no one can. nothing. no one. no light. no release. none of it.

i should go.

but i can’t leave him. he would beg and plead and cry over me.

i couldn’t stand to see him cry.

i couldn’t stand for him to be sad. not for me. no one else should be sad for me. i do that well enough on my own.

i just want to sleep. i want to sleep alone. i want to sleep alone forever. i want to have my own sorrow.

my own darkness.

i want to fall. i want to keep falling.

i am falling.

i am falling…

no one’s ever going to catch me.

good.

_Feeling_

i need to help him. i need to save him. oh, god, what’s wrong with him, what’s wrong with me, why can’t i help, what can i do? there has to be something i can do to help him.

but he won’t let me. he won’t tell me what’s wrong, he won’t talk to me at all. he won’t tell me what he’s feeling. he barely talks to anyone.

i love him so much. i can’t let him be this sad, i can’t let this depression take him over. i have to save him. i can’t lose him.

i’m helpless to stop him. i’m completely powerless. i can’t save him. i can’t help.

i hate being this helpless. i hate being unable to do anything for him. i hate the fact that he feels this bad and i can’t make it better.

they say you have to take care of yourself first. that you have to be feeling good before you help someone else feel good.

but what if that someone else is the reason you feel good? what if that someone else being so miserable makes you miserable in turn?

what if you can’t be happy unless he’s happy?

i can’t take care of him. i can’t take care of myself. i can’t help either of us right now.

it hurts so much.

he thinks i don’t know where it started. but i do. i follow his twitter, i’ve seen what they think of him. i saw what they said to him.

it shouldn’t have affected him like this. he deals with assholes like this all the time. but somehow, this was what pushed him over the edge.

this was what broke him. this is what’s breaking me.

he hasn’t eaten in two days. he hasn’t even considered it. i’ve offered him food, any food, and he refuses. he’s been lying in bed for a day and a half, just wanting to sleep, and i can’t get him up. i can’t get him to talk to me.

i’ve begged him. i’ve pleaded with him to let me help. i’ve held him and let him cry and loved him.

all i can do is love him. tell him i love him. pet his hair and hug him, only to be turned away, to be told to go, to leave him alone. and i go. but i won’t stop loving him. i can’t.

i should try again, i should go back in there and not leave until he’s ready to get up. but i can’t. he doesn’t want me there, he doesn’t want anyone at all.

but i shouldn’t have left him alone to begin with. he said he wants to be alone, but i know he wants me there.

and i left him, oh god, i left him, he could hurt himself, there are so many things in that room he could use, i can’t lose him, i can’t let him go…

calm down. i can’t panic. i can’t think like that. he’s fine, he’s just depressed right now, he’ll snap out of it like he always does, he will come downstairs tomorrow like nothing happened, he will love me and kiss me and beg forgiveness…

there’s nothing to forgive, though. any pain i feel isn’t his fault. i hurt because i love him.

i should go back in there.

but he might just throw me out again and i don’t think i can take that right now. he’ll talk to me when he’s ready. he’ll let me help him when he wants to be helped.

until then, all i can do is wait.

i hate waiting. i want spoony back. my spoony. my happy, joking spoony. i can’t live without him.

but in loving him, i have to love this depressed spoony too. i have to take the bad with the good. i have to keep loving him even though it hurts so much.

and it will get better. it has to get better.

i can save him. i know i can. as soon as he lets me, i will.

_Floating_

where is he? why hasn’t he come back? he always comes back, sometime. how long has it been?

_linkara?_

i need him. i need him right now. oh, god, i’m falling, where is he? he needs to catch me. i hate to ask him, i know i’m a burden on him, but i need him, i shouldn’t have turned him away

_linkara!_

i’m screaming. i need him here. i need someone to save me. i know i’ve been bad, so bad, but he’s a hero, he doesn’t care about that, i need him

_spoony?_

thank god. he’s here, he’s always here, he won’t leave, he’s a good guy, good guys never leave when people need them, i was stupid for ever thinking he would leave.

_need you._

i always needed him. i can’t live without him. he’s mine, i love him, he has to be here or i can’t get through anything

_it’s okay. i’m here._

of course he’s here. i called and he came. he always comes, he does love me, or he acts like it, and that’s enough sometimes, him acting like he loves me

_i’m sorry._

please forgive me. please don’t hate me. please let me make this up to you, let me try to love you like you deserve

_you don’t need to be sorry._

of course i need to be sorry, i’m always sorry, i can’t be anything else, my fault, it’s all my fault, everything, i’m selfish and lazy and

_i’ve been bad. i’ve done bad things._

why does he still love me? why doesn’t he leave me? why does he always come back? i don’t deserve it.

_no, spoony. you haven’t._

he’s just saying it, trying to make me feel better, trying to make life good again, trying to save me. i want him to save me.

_i don’t deserve you._

he’s good, he’s a hero, he should have a pretty princess in a tower to swoon over him, not a pathetic piece of shit like me

_no. i don’t deserve you._

he deserves so much better, he should have the best in the world, but he gets me, he stays with me, and why does he stay with me?

_linkara... can you help me?_

please help me, please save me, i’ll do better, just be a hero again, just pick up all the pieces like you always do, you didn’t ask for this but please

_of course i can. but only if you tell me what’s going on._

it’s hard. i can’t talk about what’s wrong. i can’t think about all the shit that keeps happening, but i need him to save me

_i… i don’t know. i’m just… depressed. i don’t want to do anything. i feel so useless, like no one even likes me. they all say i’m shit and they’re right…_

it’s true, it’s all true, i can’t help feeling like this, i don’t know what’s wrong, but help me, help me, help me

_spoony, don’t ever think that. i love you. i love you so much. would i do this if i didn’t?_

he loves me. he says he loves me and that’s why he helps me. that’s why he’s sitting by me and holding my hand and petting my hair

_yes. you’re a hero. you always do this._

he saves everyone, it’s his job, it’s what he’s good at doing, of course he’ll help me, of course he’ll do whatever he thinks I need

_not always. not this way._

he can’t save them all, he’s spending precious time on me when he could be helping orphans or fighting enemies for the universe, but no, he’s here with me

_love you._

i love him so much i can’t stop loving him i don’t want to lose him please don’t let me lose him if i love him he’ll stay

_love you too._

he loves me so much he won’t go away again he won’t leave me he won’t let me go he won’t go away again

_linkara?_

i love his name, i love his everything, i want him to know that, i want him here, i want him to keep petting me and making me feel loved

_yes, spoony?_

i love it when he says my name, it means he loves me, it means he values me, it means he’ll always be here for me

_stay with me?_

don’t leave again don’t leave again please don’t leave again i’ll be good just stay with me

_it’s okay. i’m here._

_Flying_

_I love you._

it’s going to be okay now. i know it is.

he’s here. he loves me. he’s going to help me.

_I love you._

we have to stay together. we belong together.

we can’t live alone.

_I love you._

i can do anything if he’s here. i can get through this.

everything will get better if he just stays.

_I love you._

he’s warm beside me. his arms are strong around me. his voice is soft in my ear. his lips are gentle on mine.

he’s certain in a world of every changing circumstances. he’s calm in a world of storms.

_I love you._

he’s solid and real and always there. always with me.

he’s the only thing i need in the world. everything else could disappear and i’d be fine.

_I love you._

just don’t let him disappear. don’t let him go away.

take anything else, just not him. i couldn’t stand it if he went away.

_I love you._

if he went away, i’d go too. if he wasn’t here, i would have left a long time ago.

i need him so much.

_I love you._

before him, i was nothing. i was a wreck, a loser, a sad sack of crap.

but i have him and i know i can be something. i know life is good. because life has him.

_I love you._

he caught me. he saved me. he knew to come. i called and he was there and he’ll always be there.

he didn’t have to do anything. he just needed to come.

_I love you._

he keeps saying it, over and over.

i want him to keep saying it. i need him to keep saying it.

_I love you._

and i keep saying it back. because i do.

i love him so much. i can’t ever not love him.

_I love you._

we could say it a million times and it would never be enough.

but this is a good start.

_I love you._

i’m still sad. i’ve still got a thousand things to do. there are still stupid people out there.

but he’s here. and he’s warm. and he’ll get me through it all.

_I love you._

as long as he stays, the stupid people can say what they want.

they can’t hurt me anymore.

_I love you._

nothing can hurt me. he’ll protect me.

he’s good at doing that.

_I love you._

i hope he doesn’t give me up. i hope he doesn’t leave.

i couldn’t take it if he left like everyone else did.

_I love you._

please.

_I love you._

don’t let go.

_I love you._

linkara.

_I love you._

don’t ever let go.

_I love you._

hold me a little longer.

_I love you._

you’re so warm.

_I love you._

you’re so light.

_I love you._

i love you.

_Spoony._

i love you.

there’s light. there’s always been light in the darkness. there’s always been someone there for me. and it won’t go away.

he won’t go away. he’ll never go away.

_are you okay now?_

no. i’m not okay. i’m far from okay.

_i will be._

and it’s true. as long as he’s here. as long as he’s holding me. as long as he’s warm. as long as he’s solid. as long as he keeps kissing me. as long as he loves me.

as long as he’s Linkara…

_I love you._

I’ll be okay.


End file.
